Take a look at yourselves. Go on, take a look around. All you pants-wearers, you’ve been had. Hood-wizzled. Bamboozled. I don’t know what those last two words meant, but they sound bad. I am here let you all know something. I’m not wearing pants. “Why is that?” you may ask. Well, I’ll tell you. It’s not because I just woke up and didn’t feel like putting pants on because I’m probably not going to be leaving the house. Oh no, that is not the reason. The reason is, pants are evil. They are the root of all evil, in all cultures. Why did the first caveman kill his brother? His brother was wearing pants that he needed to survive the cold, cold winter. But what about the brother who died? He died because he had pants, and the other cavemen were envious of him. This cycle continued throughout the years. Ages came and passed and soon we came upon ancient Sumer.

Now, in Sumer, they had Gods who walked among them. All of their tablets point to them being able to converse with the Gods, and things of that nature. All of their histories and clay tablets tell of them actually seeing Gods on a sort of everyday basis, and talking to their Gods, and whatnot. They also tell of the great evil that the Gods brought with them. The Gods gave them pants. Not very many, and they didn’t show the people how t o make the pants. Of course, the cavemen had pants, yes, like I mentioned above, but most of them were wiped out in the Ice Age, and the long lost art of making pants was lost. So only those pants that the Gods gave out existed. And so, those of the people who had pants were always envied for their fine leg wear. Many a man was robbed of his pants in broad daylight. The Gods, upon seeing this, decided to share their art, the art of making pants, so that all may have fine leg wear. But it was not to be, soon, the Gods took to their ships and flew to the heavens, leaving those few disciples with their plans for making pants.

Time passed, and pants became a normal thing. At the time of the Babylonians, after the Acadians, pants were a normal commodity. Sold and traded on the normal market. Soon, those who specialized in pants began making shirts and entire outfits. Closed toe pajamas and what not. The long lost art of making pants was deluded, and finer leg wear was not to be found, only the mere shadows of what was once a wonderful art.

Much more time passed, and we find ourselves in the era of the great democratic Greeks, and we now find that pants are hardly even coveted anymore. Most of the rich, and, in fact everyone, wore togas. They forsook their nature and no longer wore pants. The Greeks, you see, were a very intellectual group, and they knew that should pants come back, crime would flourish and the Gods would bring back their wrath for their inferior pants, because they lost the abilities given to them to make fine pants. Better not bring back the pants, or they should find that the pants are wearing them.

Skip ahead to the time of Christ, the time of the Romans. Where whole Roman legions went to war wearing merely skirts. They knew that if they should wear pants, they would lose the battle due to inciting a bloodlust in their enemies. For pants were now black market commodities. Should they show up wearing pants, it would be like telling their enemy that they were too good to wear a skirt like the rest of them. So when Christ stood upon his rock, and asked people to consider the lily, or when he blessed everyone including the pants makers, it got people thinking.

After the crucifixion of Christ, the rise of Christianity began. Now, since Christ had blessed the pants makers, they began to become more and more of a normal thing. Every now and again you’d see people of the Roman Empire wearing pants. The army still forsook this, and wore their skirts. So when the army of Vikings arrived, the Goths and what have you, and they were all wearing their pants, it struck fear into the hearts of the Roman army and the Vikings sacked Rome. Thus began the fall of Rome, and it was that much more fatal because it was achieved by the godless Vikings, who wore their cheap imitation pants. Imitations of what the Gods had created and given to the people so long ago. It was an affront to all the Romans held dear, and the people lost their morale.

Thus fell the Roman Empire, and the birth of Christianity, who lost no morale as they knew the pants makers were blessed. This may have been true, however, but here we enter the Dark Ages of man. Not much is known of the suffering that was caused by pants in these times, but many a story has filtered through that resembles the cavemen of old. Killing friends and relatives for their pants. Soon, even the Christians began to lose their faith in Christ, and the pants makers were no longer blessed, and mention of them was stricken from the Bible.

Then we enter the Renaissance period. Where pants were deformed and corrupted into something they should never have become. Puffy pants, bloomers, all of those. Pants were made a mockery of, and it was at this time, unbeknownst to human kind, that the Gods returned. They saw these monstrosities created by human kind, and they were angry. Had they not given humans the perfect leg wear? Was not the art of making pants already perfected? These half-witted humans in their years of enlightenment had ruined pants.

So, the Gods formed together, and slowly, ever so slowly they brought pants back to where they were through concerted efforts against the tailors and clothes makers. They brought pants back, but with an evil intent. They knew that never again would we kill one another for pants, but they knew that we must wear pants at all times. Pants are everywhere now, with their, oh these don’t make my butt look big appeal. Everyone has worn pants, or wears pants everyday now. But everyone knows that their pants size should probably be smaller, thus making them always work out, trying to trim down that waistline. And so, we have become slaves to our pants.

I say, throw off your pants. Free yourselves of their tyrannical rule over your lives. For pants are merely the evil wrath of the Gods who have been forsaken so long ago. Throw off your pants and be like the Greeks! Wear Togas, or better yet, wear no pants at all and leave merely your undergarments on. Or just large shirts that cover what you want them to cover. You no longer need those pants, those things that tell us of control of the old Gods over us.

Deny them the mirth that they oh so desire, and have successfully had for oh so long. Throw off your pants, and be free!